Remembering What Makes You, You

Today I wanted to talk about remembering what makes you, you, and how important I think it is.

We live in a world where we have so many peoples lives at our finger tips and we can access this at any time. As amazing this is technology wise and for communication benefits, I think it is really easy for our brains to see adverts and trends so many times that we begin to think we need things and experiences we don't necessarily truly want. When we buy certain things or do certain 'trends'- we then think that this makes us, us. Sometimes, this may be an additional 'quirk' to our already established personalities, but unfortunately, most of the time, especially with teenagers and children with still-growing and easily influenced brains, we think this is who people want us to be- therefore we do it more to 'fit in'. Fitting in= easy.

Fitting in is a biological need. We are biologically developed to live in small communities of people- and in the wild, in a tribal community- 'not being securely bonded to a group could be fatal'.

So at what point do our personalities mould into others, and we forget who we really are?

I am not going to go into some kind of huge scientific explanation of this- because quite frankly, I don't know- there may be some scientists that could try guess and do studies- but I think in real time it all depends on who you are as a person, and how much you allow yourself to mould to others around you. This could also go into the whole 'nature versus nurture' debate, another mystery in human biology.

I am here to talk about my personal experience growing up, the stages I went through and how I adapted to be the person I am today (who is someone who is far more self aware than I was back then.) I will also talk about the factors that influenced me to do the things I do, even though they were not necessarily very 'me' at the time.

The 'Wannabe' Backpacker Stage

When I was 19 years old, I thought I was 'following my dreams' of going backpacking in New Zealand and Australia. Although I do not regret it, and made some of the most amazing memories and met my beautiful cousin for the first time- I now look back and when I look inwards and think 'Why did I go do that at that point all on my own?' it was because of what I was shown online. Algorithms knew that when my dad was poorly, I was looking for an escape- so using my clicks and likes, it showed me posts of travel and beautiful scenic photos of women with long, hippy hair against a backdrop of some clear-blue sea looking like they had not a worry in a world- relaxation at it's most fabulous. All I could think about is how I wanted to be there doing that.

Before I went away, my dad had unfortunately passed away, and I numbly went off to the other side of the world to ignore all my issues. I did not think that at the time, in fact I think I had pushed everything that hurt so far to the back of my head that I didn't know it existed. All I knew at that time is that I wanted to travel. I met lots of wonderful people there, but also got taken advantage of with holiday romances where I thought I'd fallen in love. Looking back now, all I was looking for love and a cuddle in places that could never give me that- the holiday romances, strangers, and scenic environments I was looking for were not the love and belonging I craved. Although my cousin was out there to help, she had a little baby to look after too, and a job to go to. I never admitted how I was feeling to her, or anyone, because a lot of the time I pretended I wasn't feeling it.

The 'Surfer Girl' Stage

I had always been a bit of a yo-yo. I knew from a very young age I wanted to work with animals but was told the career choices I wanted were very competitive so I would have to work hard. As a young girl who was moved from country to country, school to school- working hard was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted a place to call home and stability and to finally have a bit of fun with friends! I went to college to study Animal Biology after my GCSE's but then once the course finished, I 'yoyo'd' and decided to take an English Literature degree up, and even though I got great grades in first and second year, I gave up on that as it didn't feel like 'me'. I didn't see a point in doing it if I didn't want a career in anything it gave me. I wanted to work with animals and write a book, I don't need a degree for that. Unfortunately, life isn't as easy as just clicking my fingers and getting what you want- so I became insanely obsessed with something else that gave me instant adrenaline fuelled highs- water sports. At the time, I let myself believe that this was something I needed and defined me. I was quite good at many of the sports, I actually went on to be a Sailing and Paddle sports instructor by 21. I felt like I had found my 'people'- I have always been a bit of a tomboy since being very little, and I enjoyed the frizzy hair, wetsuit and surfboard kind of life. I loved smoking cigarettes with my friends on the docks after a wakeboarding session, I loved drinking beers with the guys in the evenings.

However, a couple of years later, I grew tired of the 'dream life' I had created for myself. I can't really put my finger on what it was that made me suddenly become the person I am now. I started to think about my future, to come to terms with my dad, and well, not to be morbid, but- death. I stopped smoking and drinking, and my friends started to trickle away. I started spending more time hiding away in my room reading, writing poetry and watching my favourite fantasy films at the water sports centre (we all boarded there) and I learnt the hard way that some friendships are only made through toxic substances, a part of society many of us have experienced too well. They weren't the friendships I wanted to keep. Not really. I felt like I had let people down who had finally come to terms with my career choice at the time, even though they weren't keen on it. I knew they were thinking 'well what are you going to yo-yo to now?' This was probably the hardest part for me growing up. Trying to please everyone whilst trying to find myself.

When I look back to my water sports years- I don't regret them- but I sure as hell know I wasn't doing it for me. I wanted to fit in. Also, the highs I got were like a drug for me- landing a cool trick off an obstacle wakeboarding, especially as a woman in a male dominated environment, made me feel over the moon with thrill- but all big highs come with big lows and I never felt happy at home. Escapism only got me so far when I could only realistically ride 2 hours max a day.

When people looked at my Instagram when I was living it up abroad and then living as a water sports instructor, it makes me sad to think I may have influenced them to think doing that would make them happy too instead of finding their own paths. I wish I could go back and caption these photos:

Instead of 'Took the plunge and skydived of Brisbane today, epic!'

I'd write: 'I went skydiving today to forget the grief I am feeling- it lasted 10 minutes, then I went back to my dorm room full of 12 strangers and cried.'

Instead of 'New friends, hot lakes and blue skies down under.'

'I'd write: I stripped off and went swimming with strangers today. I felt a bit fat and ugly compared to the others and went home early because of how low I felt.' Then proceed to stick a shiny filter on there to make it look like an even brighter sunnier day, and to make myself look more tanned of course. Thank-you exposure editing!

Instead of: 'Rode some of my best waves today, shame about the injury though!'

I'd write: 'I rode a few good waves but still felt like I wasn't good enough, then shortly after this photo, I fell off my surfboard and impaled my leg on a rock- I was petrified and thought I was going to get sepsis and spent two nights in hospital and felt like an idiot as I was only riding a 3ft wave'.

If this isn't a reason to remember exotic landscapes and happy, beautiful bodies online aren't real, I don't know what is. If there is one thing I have learnt recently, is that even if you are worried that you don't know what makes you, you yet- you will know when you do it. There is no greater feeling than finding an activity that makes you truly glow inside out and not give a damned whose watching because you're so happy in that moment. I get that when I am with my guinea pigs- seeing their little faces look up at me knowing I rescued them from terrible environments. Or when I read my fantasy book until 2AM and have amazing dreams of riding dragons! I used to feel stupid saying stuff like this out loud, but I now embrace it. Most of the time, the hobbies and memories that stick with you, are from the cheapest, smallest and easiest to access. You don't often need a huge career and thousands of pounds to make you truly and deeply fulfilled.

The point I am trying to make with this, is in this weird, hormonal and uprooted part of my life, I was always trying to fit in. I never once stopped (and I mean properly, seriously stopped) and thought 'What do I want?' or 'Who do I want to be?' Sometimes I look back and think I wish I had the confidence to start being who I knew I was sooner- (a huge book nerd, fantasy lover and animal maniac) and dressing how I wanted to dress (comfy as heck, all of the time in T Shirts with my favourite shows on!) instead of trying to impress people with things I could barely breathe in. But then I think, hell, we all have to go through a variety of stages to find the person we are today. In terms of clothes, I am a full believer that instead of 'fitting the mould' and putting ourselves in one category- we can wear what we want, all the time, every week. If you want to wear black goth clothes one week and the next decide to go full on 70's hippy, then do it. If you want to have a skater look one week, and the next go full on Barbie- then do it. Who cares what people think? People are too busy worrying what they think of themselves to judge you!

I hope you realise that you don't need to fit any mould, or be in any category. Who says you need to be defined as anything but yourself? It may feel more comfortable to put yourself in a category, and that is totally fine- but remember there is only one you and I hope after this you think 'Who am I authentically? What do I like? What do I dislike?' or 'If other people were biologically incapable of judging, what would I be doing as a career, wearing, listening to or doing?'

I think your answer may shock you, if you are anything like me.

The 'Real Me, But I Will Probably Keeping Changing / Adapting And I Am Okay With That' Stage

I now am writing a book, work as a payroll assistant and am always on the look out for another exciting opportunity alongside this or spend my time volunteering for the local community and wildlife. I attend Comic Cons yearly and dress up like my favourite character (something I have wanted to do since a child but always was too scared to do in the fear people would judge me), I obsess over books like Mistborn and Fourth Wing, and I am now married with two little dogs. I also have a room dedicated to my rescue guinea pigs. A WHOLE ROOM. I go to a local clay shooting ground and shoot clay as a hobby, and I don't dress in tweed to fit in- I go in my trackies and a T Shirt and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Every time I go in someone thinks I am a beginner. I like to prove them wrong by shooting two perfect shots in a row on a hard target. I go to posh resteraunts in comfy clothes and I have stopped caring if people look at me weird.

It took me so long to be this comfortable in my own skin to be like this, but practice makes perfect and I still have down days and really low days despite the growth, as that's what it's like to be human. I notice now when I am not doing things that are veraciously me, and I am sure I will change as I get older, but I know I will only change in ways that serve me. I hope you have the confidence to let down your guard and tell others, like me, about how you have ebbed and flowed in life like me, so others know it's okay to do the same. I hope even more so, that you grab a photo of you as a child, pin it on your mirror and say to it daily 'What would you want me to act like/be/feel/do today?' as your untouched-by-society-kid-self, knows you better than anyone!

What are you going to do today to be authentically you?

With love,

Helena x