Why being 'childish' means you are living free of judgement, and that you need to stop giving a f*ck

This is a subject I have always been passionate about, ever since I was a young twenty year old struggling with self esteem. I remember sitting in a little student accommodation room watching Miranda Hart's DVD box set. I didn't think I would really like it, as I wasn't a huge fan of the female comedians that were about at the time- however I fell in love with the box set. Her fierce self positivity was refreshing in a day and age where social media was getting less and less 'social' and the only competition in the accommodation I was staying in was who weighed the least. Not only did she give women of all shapes, sizes, heights and personalities a place to shine, but she also taught me to stop taking myself so seriously, and I learnt to laugh when people took the mick out of me instead of becoming immediately offended and hiding away in my bedroom for days.

I am sure everyone has had a moment (or many) in life, male or female, where you felt like you couldn't act a certain way, dress a certain way or like a certain thing due to the fear you would be ridiculed or taken the p*ss out of. This has lead so many of us to do things over the course of our lives that we wouldn't do- take jobs that we never really wanted, or stare with disdain into our wardrobe at the beige and boring outfits that we have bought over the years to 'fit in'.

I wish I could say that after watching Miranda's show, I magically decided to do whatever the hell I wanted to do for the rest of my life- but of course I didn't. I don't personally believe it when people say 'I woke up one day and I stopped giving a sh*t what people thought'. I think it may see that way, but you are actually giving yourself a discredit by saying that. You have worked so hard over the years to stop giving those sh*ts. Don't discard that by saying you woke up one day and life was 'easy'. Not only that, but it makes everyone around you think 'Well, when the hell is may day going to come?' - and no one wants to make others feel belittled. I can say that I started actively trying to be who I wanted to be and start doing what I wanted to do at the age of twenty-five. That was a real pivoting year for me, where I just got tired of the every day bitchiness of 'friendship groups' (I like to call them 'viper pits') so one by one, I started distancing myself from people who didn't 'serve' me. I love this saying, however cliché it may be (I think that in life, we should all take a good close look at things that actually 'serve' us- thank you to my neighbour Kelly for introducing this beautiful term to me.) What I mean by 'serve' me in this case is: Who made me feel depleted when I had spent time with them? Who made me feel self conscious or unheard? I started paying real attention to the feelings I had after seeing 'friends' I had. After this, I read what could only be described as a mountain of self-help books. I read whatever I could, whenever I could. The reason for this is so I didn't have to share my feelings to too many 'friends'. At the time, I wasn't sure who was actually turning up for me, and who was using me- so the last thing I wanted was to tell my friends about everything I was feeling, and then them stab me in the back or use me for their own good in some way. So, my real friends at that time were the books I read. Whenever I felt a certain way, I turned to my books. I made sure I did my research on them before reading, and didn't take them as gospel, I think this is super important. I will not say that they all worked miraculously too, because that would be a big fat lie. They, too, worked over time, and in wonderful ways that to this day I couldn't live without.

Some of these were:

The Let Them Theory- Mel Robbins

8 Rules of Love- Jay Shetty

The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving A F*ck- Sarah Knight

The Unexpected Joy of Being Ordinary- Catherine Gray

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober- Catherine Gray

Get Your Sh*t Together- Sarah Knight

Why Did Nobody Tell Me This Before? - Dr. Julie Smith

Addicted to Anxiety- Owen O'Kane

ALL of Dr Rangan Chatterjee's books.

The list goes on.

I use the advice from each and every one of these books on a daily basis, without even realising.

Now I am exactly 5 months away from turning thirty and I can say I am truly excited. Reason being, I am through that period of my life where I was constantly trying to figure out who I am by what people wanted me to be. Read that again.

Are you trying to figure out who you are by what people want you to be?

I ask you this question because self reflection is critical for growth. I am not saying that that stress in my life has magically disappeared- because it really hasn't. I would 100% say that I do not suffer with anxiety anymore though. I get down sometimes a normal amount like everyone else, but I do not get stuck in it, and I do not triple question every decision I make, I just trust who I am.

An example of stress I still feel is that I own a small pet caring business alongside other things I do that has been running a year so it is still quite fresh, and in November I stopped the business because I was constantly comparing myself to other people in the profession and thinking I was not good enough despite how well I was doing. There was one person (some would label said person a competitor) who was constantly prying into my business and ultimately ended up causing me some issues, this then caused me to throw my toys out the pram and shut the business down. The classic 'I am not good enough'. I had been warned about the said person, however I was naive and gave them the benefit of the doubt by being friendly with them. After I closed the business, I immediately felt down and quite frankly: weak. I had really enjoyed my business and it was not just for profit- it was because I truly loved the clients' pets that came to me. Why did I let this person get in the way of that? Was that person even a problem? No, they weren't. I was the problem. Do I believe that person wanted the best for me? No, not at all. However, I was the only obstacle standing between me and success and I could have distanced myself from them earlier. Luckily, my loyal clients came back to me when I recently opened up my bookings again, and I can't thank them enough.

The reason I have mentioned this is because if I were twenty-five again, I would have closed my business down and never returned. I would not have learnt any life lessons and my toys would have stayed firmly out the pram!

Also, the pet caring business I have is one of the things I was always too scared to create as I was worried people would think me childish. I mean, who is a dog walker and pet sitter at thirty? Well, now I am proud to say:

Me, that's who!

Not long ago I met someone doing it in their sixties. They are fit, happy and living the dream, managing their finances independently, taking holidays when they want.

Another big thing I was scared to admit was my insane obsession with guinea pigs. I had them when I was a kid, and I always wanted them again. I am a huge gamer, I have tattoos and was part of quite a rock and surf scene growing up- I used to be quite worried people would judge me. I was also worried about getting my dream breed- a chihuahua, in case people would roll their eyes and say 'that isn't a dog- it's an ankle biter.'

Well, I now own 6 guinea pigs.

And two chihuahuas.

And a hamster.

Also, can I just put it out there that chihuahua's are not ankle biters. They are inclusive: they bite other areas too. Hmph.

My work outfit is a XXL coat which can only be described as a cheap dry robe (who can honestly afford a real one?!)- I wear a beanie that says 'Loveoo' on the front of it that is bright red, and finish the look off with a giant pair of colourful Joules wellies which hurt my back but by god they are fun to look at.

When I get spots on my face, I stick spot stickers of all different shapes and sizes on and waltz out the house. Do I get comments from people saying 'You have stickers on your face' yes, yes I do. Do I care any more? No, no I don't. My god, I even delayed coming off the combined contraceptive pill for three years out of the fear of post pill acne! Let us just put that in perspective: I delayed stopping putting prosethetic hormones in my body- out of a fear of what people thought of me- how crazy is that!?

I hope this article makes you grab your most comfortable pair of clothes and waltz out the door makeup free with messy hair feeling snuggly as heck with your weird little dog who has no teeth and it's tongue lolling out it's mouth at a weird angle on the end of a lead and smile at every one you pass joyfully, realising:

'I don't give a f*ck what you think. I really, really don't.'

Yours truly,

H x